Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
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Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
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i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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