Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
