This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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