I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize