I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
