Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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