Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
