So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
two words...techno handjob
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
