i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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