I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
