I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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