he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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