Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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