You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
