Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Enjoy the penises
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
