i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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