i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
