I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
