I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
