Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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