I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
