I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
