I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
