Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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