I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Let's get the cat blown out
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
