It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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