Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
