apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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