Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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