hotties wanna shake it
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...