You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad