It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off