She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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