When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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