the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
