Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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