I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
