ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
