i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You need Xanax blowdarts
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
