I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The uberlube is also flammable
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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