I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
