her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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