She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
