U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
