Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
