wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
