Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
