one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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