i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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