WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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