He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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