FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
