In the future we'll all be gay
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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