My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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