need another drink. this is the easiest way
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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