she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
